Grocery List: June 1, 2014

2014-06-01 08.33.36It feels like we are entitled to warm weather, after the seemingly endless winter of 2013-14. And while I’m generally against entitlements, I’ll support this one. Unfortunately, this means that people are all too eager to escape the confines of their dwelling and venture outdoors. You all have the right to leave your home, but I would prefer if you did not all converge on the place I am trying to go. In this instance, we need to have a talk about the Central New York Regional Market. If you haven’t made it there recently, here’s what you are missing:

  1. A nearly impassable A Shed
  2. The B Aisle where large women in ill-fitting capri pants stop in the middle of walkways to talk to one another
  3. A terribly claustrophobic C Shed where stopping to buy something is nearly impossible
  4. Choked parking areas

Now, these things happen more often than not during the weeks surrounding Memorial Day, as people venture out to buy plants and flowers for the planting season. With the exception of point number 2, I have become used to all of this. Today, though, my faith in humanity was tested. Because I’m a dolt, I forgot to bring cash with me. This meant that The Kid and I would have to use the M&T Bank drive-thru ATM machine facing Park Street. There was a line of cars, which is expected, but there were also people lined up. Now, I’ve pulled in and waited as people who walked up used the machine. Today, after waiting in line and moving my car to the machine, I came about three feet from running over a 50-something hag in capri pants that walked in front of Honda Pilot. While she was obese, I’m pretty sure that my 2,000 lbs. of Honda steel and plastic would have sustained the lesser amount of damage in that collision, as my car was slowly rolling towards the machine.

She never looked up or at the car as she crossed in my path. I applied the brakes, stopping about one yard short of her enormous capri pant-encased ass, and considered my options:

  1. I could roll my window down and yell, but I didn’t want The Kid learning any new words
  2. I could have continued driving and pinned her into the machine, but that would be a total dick move and likely end in a police report
  3. I could have hit her with the car, but that would have been premeditated and followed by jailtime
  4. I could have done nothing, but if you know me, then you know that wasn’t an option

Instead, I rolled up the windows and laid on the horn. I know she heard it because she jumped, startled by the sound. She may have even soiled the Depends that were hanging out the back of those undersized, short-legged pants. But, she never looked up. She finished her transaction and moved on.

So, dear reader, what can we all learn from this? There are two lessons:

  1. Pedestrians are terrible
  2. Stop at an ATM closer to the house on Saturdays
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