How the hell is it almost May? Ruminate on that for a few minutes.
It was a slightly busy week here at Al Dente HQ. We actually got out of town for a couple of days, taking The Kid to the Six Flags’ outpost near Lake George, The Great Escape. This location sports an indoor waterpark attached to a rather large hotel. It was…a little bit of hell. I’m not going to lie, if I never see another middle-aged tattooed woman in an inappropriate bikini (Read: 25-30 lbs. over the tasteful string bikini line), it will be too soon.
The Wife and I have struggled with weight our entire lives. I’ve swung between 230 and 330 lbs. for the past 10-15 years. She works hard at the gym to maintain the weight she is at and she carries it well. For the 12-18 months before she got pregnant, The Wife was in bikini shape. She could have done it, but she wouldn’t. She remained unconvinced that she could pull off a two-piece that showed more skin than a one-piece.
On the flipside of the coin were the plethora of women at The Great Escape who work bikinis, but had significant “muffin top” issues that swallowed the strings on the side. Before you start throwing around the word “misogynist,” I’ll let you know that my (and many other) fat man ass was there in all of its glory, but I (and others) opted for an outlet-priced Nautica knee-length board short, not Speedo racing trunks.
I recognize that The Wife and I tend to be a little vanilla in our lives. So, I understand why she hides behind the polyester bathing suit material. On the other hand, she is not a big tattoo fan. I understand tattoos and when done well, they are actually cool to look at. Where you lose me are things like neck and stomach tattoos. Stomach tattoos don’t look good under any circumstance. Any. Ever. Only one guy in the history of the world pulled it off well:
Take it another step: You’ve busted your ass to graduate college. 3.5 GPA. Good stuff. You start applying for corporate jobs. With a neck tattoo, no one hires you. Fuck, no one looks at you. So, frustrated, you go to law school. Takes three years, you again excel. You’re a friggin’ great future lawyer with skills out the rear. You apply to 10 firms. Seven call you in. The minute (like, the very minute) they see your neck tattoo, it’s over. Your interview is complete—even if they opt to humor you with some fluff questions. I can’t state this with enough oomph. Getting a neck tattoo ruins you. R-U-I-N-S you.
I also don’t understand the people who get the notches in their collarbone pierced. Have you ever seen one that doesn’t look infected? Not unlike the neck tattoo, this piercing makes an interesting statement and, if you are expecting to be taken seriously, I feel badly for you.
Express yourself. It’s a free country and no one is telling you shouldn’t. Get all the tattoos you want. But, not unlike the saying about doors opening when others close, you can’t be surprised at how quickly doors will close after you get a neck tattoo.