All I really need to know about cooking I learned from my father

The old man giving me my first haircut at his barber shop, circa 1978. I was fking adorable.

With apologies to the person who originally wrote the “All I Need to Know in Life I Learned in Kindergarten.”

  • Steamed clams taste like feet. If you’re going to cook clams, do it provencal style.
  • There’s only one way to enjoy dinner: With Ron Curtis reading the news in the background.
  • Every refrigerator should have a hunk of proscuitto hanging out in back. Next to the batteries.
  • Keep your batteries in the fridge. They stay fresher that way.
  • Roasted turkey is fine, but you know you would rather eat it deep fried.
  • Squid is the perfect topping/stuffing for everything. Pasta. Calzones. Everything.
  • There’s no such thing as too much garlic.
  • Bottle wine > box wine > jug wine. But nothing beats homemade wine.
  • 30-year-old homemade grappa is what makes you a man.
  • Sambuca is to be enjoyed neat with coffee beans on the bottom of the glass.
  • Never let your partner toss the palina, even if you’re hammered (okay, so it’s a bocce rule, but it’s still relevant)
  • Rare beef is overcooked.
  • Filipio Berio olive oil is where it’s at (It’s not, but who am I to question the old man?)
  • One-inch wide is considered “thin sliced.”
  • Roasted red peppers from a jar are nice, but roasting your own and freezing them is where it’s hat.
  • Jack Daniels is a sipping whiskey. When, where and how you sip it is less important.
  • A home is not a home unless there is a braid of garlic in the hallway (that actually comes from my grandfather).

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